Friday, September 29, 2006

I hate nights!!!

Here it is midnight and again I am wide awake and avoiding bed.

Most nights I watch DVD's until I am so tired that I turn the TV off and fall asleep.

The silence is horrible...nothing to distract me and thoughts in my head.

I have so many conversations that play in my head...mostly the horrible conversation we had with her Specialist when he told us that she probably wouldn't make it through the night...but the worst is the phone call from John on 'that horrible Friday' telling me I have to get into the Hospital NOW! as they didn't think her heart would survive much longer...these conversations give me nightmares...bring me to tears and are a constant reminder of how much I miss our Princess and how it is killing me inside not having her here with me.

My body has adjusted quite well on a couple of hours of sleep each night..but we are not doing a lot as it is the school holidays and if I want to sleep in I can...but next week we are back to normal routines again.

When does it stop hurting...I am guessing the answer is never...it is just so unfair...how can life be so cruel!!!!

I would give anything for just another cuddle or to hear her laugh again...thankfully my brother got that on his mobile phone and a friend of his put it on a disc for us...but it just isn't the same...I just want my baby back...I miss her so much and I hate nights as this is when I notice it the most.

Thank you for reading my vent....

12 comments:

Chrissy said...

Oh sweetheart I don't even know what I could possibly say...

Thinking of you, if you need to talk just ring hon.
Love and big hugs as always Chrissy xx

Kelley said...

I dont personally know how you are feeling Mel but just wanted to send big hugz.
I wish there was a magic wand we could wave to bring her back to you aswell.
Kelley

Michelle M said...

Oh Mel, I have no words to help heal you pain. But just to let you know I am thinking of you all often. You are all in my thoughts. I hope one day the pain subsides, and the wonderful memories of your princess fill all those places in your heart.

Jenelle said...

Mel,

I don't even know what to say, as I know that no words will help ease the pain that you are suffering now. I'm always thinking of you... just checking in your BLOG to see how you and the kids are.
As Michelle said, I'm sure the hurt will go away, and replace it with her laughs and smiles.
Jenelle

NuttyScrapper said...

Hugs Mel,
I hope you have some people that you can talk to.....I really think this would help :)
Lou

Robyn said...

thinking of you still and wishing I could rid youof your pain.
hugs,
robyn

Rachael said...

biggest hugs sweetie - I cannot imagine what you must be feeling. I truly hope you know that we are hear for you to lean on - HARD.
I wish I could reach through this screen and be there for you. xoxoxoxo much smooches to the kids!

Anthea said...

oh Mel, I am a regular reader of your blog, and was touched my your little girls fight, she was really a strong little girl.

I have just lost my Dad in a tragic accident, and know to a little of the extent of what you are feeling, and it really does hurt, and I also agree nights are the worse, that when it is quiet, and you have time to think, during this time, thinking can be our enemy.

Anyway, please know that although you have never meet most of the people who have shared your story, we are all touched by it, and we all hold you in our thoughts.

Chris Millar said...

It's so heartbreaking over and over for you all Mel. Wish there was something I could do - hugs!

jacquij said...

there are no words i can say
but im feeling your pain

Bev said...

Mel, I feel sad that you are experiencing so much pain, no doubt it will be that way for a while. My sil recently started having grief councelling three years after losing her second son...she says she can't believe how much it has helped and has brought her some peace...It may all be a bit raw for you just yet but maybe something you could consider down the track...Thinking of you and your family always

lin said...

Possibly the most amazing blog that I read all year! quinceanera dresses Louboutin Shoes Christian Louboutin Sandal Vintage Wedding Dresses