Friday, December 01, 2006

Life!!!!

Well today is 3 months since my life changed forever and every day is still a struggle.

i thought this new song was nice and also appropriate....

'I would hold you in my arms
and take your pain away'

What I would do for one more cuddle, not to see the pain in my babies eyes...i still feel so robbed, and I am guessing this pain will never go away. But not only don't I have my baby girl, i didn't get to hold her for the last couple of months of her life as she was so swollen it hurt when she was picked up. I felt so guilty when I did pick her up for a quick cuddle that pain on her face was horrible to see.

I have been looking back at some of the photos and they bring me to tears...I just didn't notice the size of her belly, the pained looked in her eyes, as long as I got a smile I was happy. i guess going in daily I just grew used to seeing her and saw the light that wasn't meant to be...i would just picture that she had to go through this and then when she got her new liver she would catch up with all that she was robbed of.

So with the combination of christmas - which i am not feeling Christmassy at all and some important decisions that are on my mind constantly I have been withdrawing a bit...focussing on my family and not other things - as they are not what is most important to me at the moment and pety other things aren't worth worrying about.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi, I have been reading your blog for a little while now and my thoughts are with you everyday. I know alot of my scrapbooking friends also read your blog. I hope you have the best christmas you can possibly have.

t is for trackles said...

Can only begin to imagine how you must be feeling dear Mel. After 14 months my MIL still has crying days and I tell her that is normal, not that it makes her feel better. Enjoy your Christmas with your family, especially Josh and Teagan, and know that there are so many of us out there that will have a special thought for you and your Angel this Christmas. Lots of love and big hugs ((( )))

Anonymous said...

Have been reading your blog for a little while now Mel. Not much else I can say but to take it one day at a time and enjoy your time with your family.

Big hugs.

scrap-yourself-silly said...

Mel, wanted to let you know that that same song has the same effect on me and on Wednesday I was a blubbering mess while driving along, thinking of my mum who's not here anymore. Hugs to you this Christmas.

Anonymous said...

Sending big hugs love, we still have teary times with Michael's dad not being here and Christmas always feels so lonely without him with us! I feel so much for you hon...

I'm so sorry love I didn't reply sooner, was away at The Scrap Heaps big opening weekend. If you need me sweetie you know I'm just a phone call away. Don't hesitate.

Hugs and prayers
Chrissy xx

Rachael said...

oh sweetie sending the biggest hugs.

lusi said...

thinking of you mel,
hugs and love
lusi x

Bev said...

what a beautiful song Mel...So sorry to hear you are hurting so bad...its always hard at times like birthdays and Christmas...choose a special ornament to hang on your tree for Rani

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