I hate nights!!!

Here it is midnight and again I am wide awake and avoiding bed.

Most nights I watch DVD's until I am so tired that I turn the TV off and fall asleep.

The silence is horrible...nothing to distract me and thoughts in my head.

I have so many conversations that play in my head...mostly the horrible conversation we had with her Specialist when he told us that she probably wouldn't make it through the night...but the worst is the phone call from John on 'that horrible Friday' telling me I have to get into the Hospital NOW! as they didn't think her heart would survive much longer...these conversations give me nightmares...bring me to tears and are a constant reminder of how much I miss our Princess and how it is killing me inside not having her here with me.

My body has adjusted quite well on a couple of hours of sleep each night..but we are not doing a lot as it is the school holidays and if I want to sleep in I can...but next week we are back to normal routines again.

When does it stop hurting...I am guessing the answer is never...it is just so unfair...how can life be so cruel!!!!

I would give anything for just another cuddle or to hear her laugh again...thankfully my brother got that on his mobile phone and a friend of his put it on a disc for us...but it just isn't the same...I just want my baby back...I miss her so much and I hate nights as this is when I notice it the most.

Thank you for reading my vent....

Tagged!

OK I have been tagged by Julie

The rules of the tag are:
List 5 weird things about yourself or your pets. Tag 5 friends and list them. Then, those people need to write on their blogs about 5 weird things, and state the rules, and tag 5 more people. Don't forget to let the people you tag know by posting a comment on their blog!

1. I can't touch peeled bananas...they make me sick!!!!
2. I can't drive with shoes on.
3. I can't fall asleep if the TV is on!
4. I can't digest fat!!!
5. I hate being touched by other peoples feet...EWWWWW!!

Ok i tag - Well it looks like pretty much everyone has been tagged...so I tag anyone who hasn't updated their blog since they have been tagged...lol

Over my First Hurdle

Well today one of my sisters friends came over with her 2 month old daughter. It is the first time I have seen a little bubba since Rani passed away. I was feeling a bit anxious as I walked up the stairs but I was fine once I saw her. I had heaps and heaps of cuddles and even fed her a bottle...something I hadn't done for months!...so it was good and now I know that I will be fine to see my girlfriend when she has her bubba next week.

Then to my suprise John came home tonight with a huge pizza box under his arms...the label said Tarisota ...I knew I hadn't placed an order with them and this is what I found inside.. here ..I had been RAK'ed from Tamar...so Thank You, Thank You, Thank You...all the goodies are just beautiful!

I also scrapped this morning...this is one of the photos of Teagan with her face painted at the Show yesterday...lol

EXHAUSTED

Well the expensive, exhaustive day off the Royal Melbourne Show is over for another year...lol

We thought it would be smart to leave home after lunch as today was the first nice day since the Show opened and suspected that everyone would make a morning dash.

Well obviously there are lots of people out there that think the same way as me. It was packed....the car park was full...of course there is no carparking anywhere (without getting a ticket) so we had to walk about 1/2 a km...but it was free parking.

The sun was out, the sky was blue and it was a beautiful day.

The kids and John went on a couple of rides...I am the official bag holder...lol...then we had a look around at the animals etc. As a tradition the kids and John always go on the Ferris Wheel I am scared of heights so you aren't going to see me up there. Then our other tradition is face painting...again the kiddies looked fantastic.

Then before we knew it we had been there for 6 hours so finally my tradition of Hot Jam Donuts on the way out....before the long walk back to the car but this time piled up with Showbags and time to start saving for next year...lol

So here is my monster and fairy...I am off to bed to rest my aching feet! and perhaps have some lollies out of my show bags!

A Scrappy Kind of Weekend

The weather in Melbourne has been absolutely horrible this weekend...cold, wet and windy..it had better pick up so we can take the kids to the Show next week...but of course that means it has been perfect scrapping weather.

I have decided that I am not ready to scrap Rani photos yet, so i am going to go back and finish Josh and Teagans Albums. They are both very happy about this as they didn't like the fact that Rani had 3 albums already in her short life and I don't think I am anywhere near finished. I just told them she smiled for the camera...one of my LO's is the prefect example of why they don't have many pages...lol..plus it didn't help that I found scrapping when they were 3 and 4 years old :(

OK so here are my LO's.

Firstly Teagan pulling faces when I was trying to get a nice photo of her.

Then also back in early 2005 when my sister came home from London and we suprised Josh and Teagan by not telling them...she was staying home but is back living there again...can't wait to see her at Christmas.

Gift Share!!!

I have been RAK'ed and sent lovely gifts galore in the last couple of weeks and thought I would say thank you and share some of them.

Firstly I got a mystery RAK from one of the lovely girls at the Scrap Pile of some ribbons and chipboard shapes.

Then I got this beautiful little mini tin album from Chris Millar
Which takes pride of place on my handbag.

Then another goodies package arrived from the girls at the Scrap Pile. Can be seen here.

Then I recieved a pizza box full of BG paper, embelishments and flowers from Fiona Leehane, who RAK'ed me after speaking to Chris Millar and Kirst.

Plus a couple of days after Rani's service I found two beautiful birthday presents for her from the lovely Chrissy and our friends Dave and Karen who live in Queensland.

Chrissy's is a beautiful prayer lamb that sits on my desk and reminds me of her and Rani.

Karens is the most adorable t-shirt that she had printed on the front 'Princess Rani' and two singlets. I am going to put the t-shirt in a shadow box with some pics of her.
I have to thank Karen also for the effort that she put in coming to Rani's funeral. She left Brisbane the morning of the funeral, arrived in Melbourne, got a shuttle bus to Spencer St Station, the train to Lilydale Station and a Taxi to the Service, only just making it in time. Then 2 hours after the service was back on her way to the airport to go home.

So a HUGE THANK YOU and sorry if I have forgotten anyone for all the lovely goodies..I can't wait to scrap, scrap, scrap.

Also some of you have already seen this but a LO of Teagan with her curlers. There will be page 2 with curls but needed to order more of the PP. :)

General Stuff

Well it has been 21 long days since our little princess passed and everyday is hard...but having Josh and Teagan makes every day worth getting up for.

We have made it through the first 5 days of the school holidays...lol...Nana took them to see Monster House, we have been on bike rides, walks, gone to the park and had a little shopping spree and next week we are all going to the Royal Melbourne Show.

Mum and Dad went to the Hospital on Monday to give the Nurses a thank you card and some chocolates. Dad usually spent his RDO's in the Hospital with Mum..they said it was strange to be back but they are glad that they got to say thank you to the Nurses that were there.

John went in Tuesday evening (I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it...i'm not ready)he took in the Pen for Chaplain Keith (for doing Rani's Service) plus some photo frames with pics of Rani for Keith, the Nurses on 5W and her Specialist. It really hit John hard when he went. He said it was very emotional but something that he wanted to do.

We were going to see Rose run at the Transplant Games today but both John and I decided that we just aren't ready to see all those lucky transplantees running around when we should have been one of them.

I am going to try and organise my scraping space soon (although it will probably be when the kids are back at school) as most of my scrapping supplies are in boxes still. I really want to scrap but am finding it hard as must pics have Rani in them.

None of us are sleeping very well still...we all have millions of what if questions floating in our heads and just plain feeling robbed.

John and I have to go to the Cremoturium some time next week and look at the different areas so we can work out exactly where we want to place Rani and what we want to say on her plaque, so that we can have it all ready for when my sister gets here in December and with the way that the year is flying by it will be here before we know it.

Well it is cold, wet and windy here, so i think I might put a DVD on and curl up under my doona :)

Donations

Thank you for everyone that have Donated to the RCH.

We have had a number of emails from people wondering where to send the money.

You send it to the Royal Childrens Hospital under the name of Rani Millar and we want all money to go to the Gastro Dept on Level 9.

Postal Address is

The Executive Director
Royal Childrens Hospital Foundation
Flemington Road
Parkville VIC 3052


Hope that helps.

Any other questions just email :)

Another Day

I have been trying to scrap for days...but everytime I sit down I get upset with memories but today I finally finished a LO.

It is so funny I hated these photos...i took them myself and really love the double chin action I have going on....lol...but now it is one of my favourite photos..like I said in my last post I am usually the one behind the camera and there are not very many pics of Rani and I or with Josh, Teagan or John...so I am going to make sure I get in photos even though I hate every photo I am in...lol

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

JOHN

My hubby is another year closer to the big 4-0 today...lol...

We are not in the mood for a big celebration so we are hanging out with Josh and Teagan. :)

So I was thinking today I am so grateful that I found this obsession called scrapbooking...we may have only had Rani for a short time but I have so many fantastic photos of her. I didn't know about scrapping when the other two were little so don't have as many photos. BUT one this I am upset about is we only have 1 family photo of all 5 of us. I hated the photo...more because of the colours, where we were, face expressions...of course now I love it, even though it is blurry. So make sure all you photographers come out from behind the camera and take family photos...or photos of you with you kiddies...my other regret...I spent way to much time behind the camera. :(

More Sadness

Well what a fortnight of deaths there have been. Way to many for my liking.

On Tuesday we found out that Teagan's School Teacher lost her battle with Cancer. She left the school for treatment not long after Easter..it is very sad. Her funeral is on Friday, but we are not going, still to raw from Rani's.

On some lighter brighter news we are going to watch little Rose run in the Transplant Games during the school holidays. We were very touched when her family told us that she would be running for both her organ donor and Rani. I am sure it will be a very emotional day seeing all those children running around thanks to the generous gift of another and we will be wishing that Rani could be there too.

Well I can't believe that tomorrow the kiddies will be on School Holidays. They have a couple of things planned, like the traditional trip to the movies with Nana and we will also be taking them to the Royal Melbourne Show. I am sure they will also be taken to the movies by Daddy...lol

I, as is everyone, is hating night time. It is easy to stay distracted during the day but when you lie down to sleep memories and thoughts and questions and anger and everything else come flooding into your brain. No one in this household is sleeping very much at all. We are all pretty much at the angry stage of grieving, feeling very robbed of our precious little girl.

But I must say that it is great to be living with Mum and Dad to be able to talk things through with people that have been there every step of the way and understand exactly what you are feeling is definitely helping us all greatly.

Thanks to everyone for your support, concerned and thoughtful emails and SMS, cards and everything it has been wonderful.

My sister who was absolutely devastated about Rani and in London is coming out in December. She was so upset that she couldn't be here for the Funeral. But we are having a special service when she comes home for her visit. We will be placing Rani's ashes and plaque in the Crematorium. She is very happy that we are waiting to do this until she arrives as it will be her (and our) special time to say good bye.

Spreading the Word

Yesterday while John was spending time with his brother who came down from Townsville the Sydney Morning Herald rang John's mobile saying that they had got our details from Donate Australia.

Well they did a phone interview to get the word out about Rani and the serious lack of Organ Donation in Australia.

This morning I awoke to find a link in the comments of my blog that it is in the paper today.

We thought we were going to be told..but I have just rang John wh is heading to Tasmania and he said he has heard nothing...as after he did the phone interview he was told that their was no guarantee that the story would run...

but anyhow here it is...

Rani's Story

Radio

Well our story is slowly being heard.

John sent an email off to 3AW as that is the station he listens to...he got a call yesterday saying that they would put him on the radio....well anyway he was on the radio today talking about Rani. It was in relation to the upcoming Transplant Games and they had a lady from the Red Cross discussing the importance of Organ Donation and then John was the flip side discussing what happens when that all important organ doesn't arrive in time.

It was only a really small bit at just before 3pm today...but it was something and John did really well on the Radio.

ANGRY!!!!

I am feeling so many different emotions today. Today is the day the 'normal life' resumes again! Kids go back to school, grown ups go back to work and I am left at home with my thoughts.

I am miserable but so angry.

Angry that this disease took our babies life.
Angry that she spent half her life in Hospital.
Angry at the people that said NO to life saving organ donation.
Angry at the system for Classification for Transplants.
Angry that she missed out on livers, by no other fault than the wrong blood type.
Angry that Rani became sick enough to be a CAT 1 but was then to sick to be transplanted.
Angry that more people don't donate.
Angry that she was in so much pain.
Angry that she was stuck in a cot and never leaving her room unless she was in ICU.
Angry that she spent her last 5 months confined in that room.
Angry that she never got to speak, crawl, walk, LIVE!
Angry that she is gone.
Angry that we did everything the Hospital asked and still we didn't get to take our baby girl home.
ANGRY that she never got that life saving liver.

We don't blame the Doctors, Staff or the Hospital. They can't transplant what they don't have. We are just very frustrated and disappointed. We feel very naive that we thought a simple liver was the answer and we would be home with a happy healthy baby. That having Rani in the Hospital was the best place for her and that she had a better chance of getting a liver being a in-patient rather than at home.

We will have 'what if' questions for the rest of our lives.

BUT i do believe that ALL AUSTRALIANS well everyone needs to be educated on the importance of Organ Donation but even more importantly you need to discuss your choice with your family, friends, loved ones as at the end of the day they are the ones that have to make the heart breaking decision.

PLEASE DON'T LET ANOTHER FAMILY GO THROUGH WHAT WE HAVE. Discuss Organ Donation.
www.organdonation.org.au

A Beautiful Farewell

Well yesterday was beautiful and Princess Rani even held off the rain as it is horrible here today but beautiful yesterday.

I was so not looking forward to the funeral even having to have a bucket in the car to get to the Chapel (but that is another story).

Lilydale Crematorium is absolutely beautiful...we booked it site unseen but had been told by others that it is lovely...not something you really think about.

The chapel was full for our Princess and very simply decorated with 12 pink balloons next to her little coffin.

We were lucky enough to have the lovely Hospital Chaplain Keith do Rani's service as he knew her very well coming and visiting her every day in the Hospital.

Everyone from our Families placed a little something on Rani's coffin...her favourite things. I placed her mirror, John placed a dummy, Josh and Teagan placed pictures and the most beautiful letters, my Mum placed her favourite doll (that she gave her), my Dad placed her its all about me, me, me birthday shirt, my sister Rebecca placed her Peek-a-Boo book (that she bought her), my brother Steven placed a face washer and special flower that he made her that was on her cot, John's Mum placed a favourite Teddy and Johns Dad placed the doll she played with when she was in the car.

Keith spoke about her life and his experiences with her, then John did a speech, then my brother Steven did a speech about all her little quirks and favourite things..that a lot of the Nurse got a smile out of....and then Rebecca read a poem that her and her best friend wrote. We had a beautiful powerpoint presentation that we made of 50+ photos of Rani, some prayers from Keith and then the final prayer was written and read by Johns Dad.

Then we left the Chapel to Hi-5 songs...Rani's favourite.

Finally we let off the 12 balloons one for each month of her life and they floated off to Rani, they went so far that we could no longer see them.

THANK YOU to everyone for all the support over the last year not just for John and I but for all of our family. Thank you for those who flew in from interstate, those from the School Community, from the Hospital and all of our family and friends for being there to farewell our Princess.

THANK YOU to those who could not make it that sent there thoughts and all of the pink candles that were buring for Rani that I see on Blogs...Thank you.

Thank You Terrance for making the Beautiful Thank You cards and supplying the balloons and Roses.

Thank you Sally and Sandra - you know what for :)

Newspaper Announcements

Here are the Beautiful Notices that were in todays paper.

Truly dreading tomorrow - we have spent the day finalising a lot of details and both Josh and Teagan wrote beaytiful notes to put on Rani's casket with some of her favourite toys...so emotional today, can only imagine what tomorrow will be like.

MILLAR. _ Rani Lesley Jean.
Born Aug. 25, 2005 passed
away peacefully Sept 1, 2006.
Rani Lesley Jean Millar, loved
daughter of John and Melissa,
cherished sister of Joshua and
Teagan.
Princess
You will rule our hearts forever
All our love
Mummy and Daddy.

MILLAR. _ Rani Lesley Jean.
Adored granddaughter of Gail
and John.
Our darling Rani, you were in
our lives for such a short time
but you touched our hearts in a
special way only you could.
Poppet, we will love and miss
you forever, hugs and kisses.
_ Nana and Grandpa x x


MILLAR. _ Rani Lesley Jean.
To my precious niece Rani who
stole my heart with your big
beautiful eyes. You will be
deeply missed. Lots of love.
_ Your Auntie Nelle x x


MILLAR. _ Rani Leslie Jean.
From the first moment I met you
you crawled under my skin and
found your way into my heart,
and that is where youll stay.
Take care my little Buddah
Love _ Uncle Stevie x o


MILLAR. _ Rani Lesley Jean.
My little Angel, your amazing
spirit and cheeky smile will live
on forever in my heart.
Ill miss you beautiful
girl...mwah x x All my love,
Auntie Becca.


MILLAR. _ Rani Lesley Jean.
We will wait for the moment
when we will be together with
Bubbles for eternity. Beloved
granddaughter of John and
Colleen Millar. Niece of Brent,
Karen, Paul, Nicole, Mark and
Grant.


MILLAR. _ Rani.
Your time here was short, but
your memory will be ever-
lasting. Rest peacefully little
one. Deepest sympathy to the
Millar and Percy families.
Geoff R.


MILLAR. _ Rani.
A little angel in heaven, she
fought till the end.
Love _ Carolyn and family.


MILLAR. _ Rani.
A little angel on earth now in
heaven. _ Sadly gone but
always remembered by Sylvia,
John, Michael, Erin, Luke,
Daniel and Liam.


MILLAR. _ Rani.
Our thoughts and deepest
sympathy to Melissa, John, Josh
and Teagan. No more pain and
no more suffering. Now theres
another little angel.
_ Alan, Janis (dec.), Lee,
Megan and Heath.


MILLAR. _ Rani. Dearly loved
great granddaughter. Loving
thoughts are with Melissa,
John, Joshua and Teagan.
In my heart forever, Nana


MILLAR. _ Rani. Our deepest
sympathy to Melissa, John,
Joshua and Teagan on the loss of
their beautiful Rani, she will
never be forgotten.
Chris, Wayne, Nicole,
Samantha and Michael.

Of course they looked much nicer in the paper...with a beautiful cherub to start them all off.

Thank you again everyone for your wonderful and kind thoughts...I am so touched that those who can't make it are lighting a pink candle for our Princess...it is a beautiful thing to do.

Well Mum and Dad's house is starting to look like a florist...we have so many bunches of flowers Mum had to borrow some vases from the lady next door...lol...but Thank you they are all beautiful.

Funeral Details

Friends and Family are invited to celebrate the short but wonderful life of our beautiful daughter Rani Lesley Jean Millar at the Lillydale Crematorium.

Rani will have a service starting at 3pm sharp on Tuesday 5th of September so if you could be there at least 15 minutes earlier it will be appreciated.

Please be aware that we are asking everyone NOT to bring flowers as the funeral director will be collecting donations that people may want to make which they will give to the Royal Childrens Hospital on our behalf and the details for the wake which will be held in Vermont South will be announced on the day.

The details for the Crematorium are

Lilydale Cemetery & Memorial Park
126- 128 Victoria Rd Lilydale VIC 3140
ph: (03) 9739 6244

For those that are interested Rani's Heartfelt Death Notice with be in the Herald Sun on Monday :(

THANK YOU

Thank you everyone for all your lovely comments here, via email and SMS. Rani was definately a special child that touched everone whether you had met her or not. It is heartwarming to know that there are so many people that cared for our sweet little princess. Also Chrissy thanks for the flowers they are beautiful.

Well today was a gut wrenching day...we had to tell Josh and Teagan about Rani, as they spent the night with friends. John and I decided that we didn't want them to see Rani in ICU, instead they have the happy memories of her on her birthday. We thought they could handle seeing Rani but not understand or handle everyone in tears and so upset, the situation was overwhelming for me, I can only imagine how they would feel if they were in the middle of it... they didn't need to see that..They took it fairly well, as well as can be expected. We simply explained that Rani's body couldn't fight any longer and that she wasn't in any pain, her passing was peaceful. It was only seconds from when the machines were turned off to her passing, and as the Docs told us it would have happened even with the ventilator on. My baby held on long enough for me to get to the Hospital and say my good byes, with my Mum, Dad and my Brother.

Also we had the Funeral Director come out to make arrangements...something again that I never thought we would have to do...but it looks like her funeral will be on Tuesday. Just waiting for a call tomorrow to confirm that where we want it can fit us in.

We also tried to donate some of Rani's organs (even though at the time I thought it totally unfair, that we should have been recieving a precious organ, not donating), but unfortunately her organs were all to damaged and she couldn't donate anything. BUT please make sure you are on the Donor List.

I hope all the Dad's have a lovely Fathers Day...I am hoping that we will be able to have some laughs...although they are coming more as we remember the good and happy times we had with Rani.

No Words!

Well I think this is the hardest thing I have ever had to type.

As some of you already know, our brave little princess could no longer fight and lost her battle with her disease at 3.50pm today.

Unfortunately last night her kidneys started to fail and then this morning they had again failed completely. Then in the afternoon she had another bleed filling her lung with blood. This bleed was the main cause for the Doctors to ask us to make the heartwrenching decision to take her off the ventilator (something I could not watch) but she is no longer in pain.

Thank you everyone for all your support (and I'm sure continued support) through this time in our lives.

I am to upset to type anymore.