Wednesday, January 10, 2007

I need sleep!!!!

Just for you Sal, an update...lol..although it is not a happy one.

I feel myself slipping further and further into some kind of a depression. I hardly talk, sleep, do anything really...although get me with friends and I have a good time...it is getting there. With John working 7 days a week and night shifts...I am pretty much alone day and night as he sleeps days and we cross each others paths as I am attempting to go to bed and sleep and he is leaving for work. I just want my baby girl home with me...perhaps i am truly grieving now...although the anger and resentment over a system that doesn't work is still well and truly there....perhaps it is because I sat down and wrote a letter about my frustration of the donor rules, regulations explaining my disappointment in the system...I mean it seriously has to change...how many others families have to go through what we have before it changes...we all live in Australia so in my opinion if a child/adult is to sick to go home they should automatically be placed Australia Wide for donation...not just the state you live in. I get so angry when I see the amount of livers that were transplanted in the months that Rani was waiting and that is just in Victoria...my blood boils when you see the total for australia...I am sure one of them would have been perfect for Rani but not with the stupid out of date rules....well I guess my anger hasn't gone!!!

Well what else...

my sister is back in London..her trip was way to short but she may be coming home in September for a Wedding....

i guess I am also stressed by the fact that we are looking into the whole buying another house thing...initially we were going to build again...but we would have to go out to Berwick (although it would have been fun to go through it with you Connie :) )...and no offence to Berwick I just don't want to live there....I love the school the kids are at (and I don't want to uproot them, I think they had a stressful enough year last year, without a huge move this year), my friends are here and it adds way to much travel time onto Johns drives...plus to me it is going backwards as when we sold our last house it was in the suburb before Berwick....lol....so instead we are now looking at buying a smaller house and just getting on our feet and then either building or buying a bigger house in a couple of years...the biggest problem is the price of land in this area is so expensive as it is so rare!!!...now just waiting to find out exactly what we can borrow and the searching will seriously start....

also I really want to scrap...but when i hop on the puter to get photos...or go through my existing pile I see pics of Rani and just get upset...i still can not scrap her and my mood doesn't make scrapping fun...so i am just not doing it

add that to other stresses in my life and I guess even I can understand why I am sinking...

so I am trying to see some positives...

We are looking forward to Sal and Kevs engagement party next weekend and then over the Australia Day Weekend we are going away so it will be nice to spend some time as a family as we haven't done it in a long time...

Well if you got this far you are a legend and I hope my ramblings made sense and I have a feeling my brain was going quicker than my fingers....

but finally I just want to say that I have certainly found out who my true friends are over this roller coaster last year and it has been suprising...i have the few that have been true for years and years and then others that I thought were close friends disappear out of my life and others that I thought I wasn't that close to become some of my closest friends....so thank you all for you support and valuable friendship...you know who you are :)

11 comments:

Debbie Y said...

Mel I can only begin to imagine what you have all been through in the past year and the enormous sense of loss you are feeling.

I know there is nothing I can say to make life seem better right now but I wish I could reach out through the computer and let you know I am here for you.

I hope there are some better times ahead for you soon. You and your family are always in our thoughts.

bon said...

It's great to hear that you've got some great friends to help you through this hard time. And that you can use this blog as an output for your feelings (i'm a big softy anyway, but i think i cry every time i read your blog, your little rani has touched SO MANY lives of people that didn't even know her.)
I also think good on you for writing the letter!
I hope thing get a little easier for you over 2007.

connie said...

it make me happy to hear you have so many friends to turn too... and you have such a strong man in John and it must be hard with him at work all the time...Mel you have so many friend irl and on the net that are here for you ANYTIME!!!...
including me!!...
Take one day at a time my friend...

C...xxx

jacqui jones said...

mel i think u truely have the right to whatever feelings you want atm...the rules plain suck!

t is for trackles said...

Mel, I ache for you, I just can't imagine.... You have every right to be angry, and to grieve. Having lived with MIL the last 12 months I've seen her go through all the so-called "stages". It doesn't make it any easier to know that's what it is though. It is so great you have such wonderful family and friends. We are all so lucky to know you. I think of you and Rani often and know many others do too. I hope that helps you in your dark times. Lots of big hugs Mel xxx

Rachael said...

I check in on you often Mel and wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you. I think you need to grieve and give yourself permission to feel - and to be angry. I am proud that you wrote the letter, you never it know, it could help make a difference.
love ya babe!
xoxox
PS - I know what you mean about friends, its hard to let them go but as time goes on, our lives and those surround us change. Its not always what or who we expect - keep those who aren't supportive and are toxic at length and embrace those who do support you in the now.

Michelle B said...

Oh Mel my heart breaks for you. I wish that there was something I could say, but I"m sure you have heard it all before and I know it makes no differnce whatsoever. I have a girlfriend who has lost two babies in the past couple of years (lived for 2 weeks only) and I recently met an amazing couple who's eldest son is dying by degrees of an incurable genetic condition. Just to talk to them both makes me ache, and even after 8 years my girlfriend still grieves for her first born. It's alright to grieve and heck, it's even alright to be depressed. Goodness knows, you have been through enough and no-one expects a wondermum. My only plea is let those around you support you and please keep in contact with a GP or counsellor. You need a way to vent your feelings and grief in a positive way. Thank you for sharing with us, and keep doing it, cause you need to so much.

Michelle B

Alisha73 said...

Mel, I am sitting here with hurt in my heart just reading what you are feeling. Im glad you are able to write about it even if it gives you just that little second of relif. It would be very hard at this time to only see each other in passing when john goes to work and you bed. He loves you very much Mel..that I know and I believe all the hard work will pay off and you will have some happiness soon. Keep your chin up..(I know its easy for me to say but harder for you to do.) You have a wealth of friends that will listen to you in a second notice..use it when you need it..it is hard to do but it will help.

scrap-yourself-silly said...

I too check in every night on your blog Mel, to see how you and your family are doing. And even though I dont know the full story of who your friends were, sometimes people just dont know what to say, or fear saying the wrong thing, so they just "dont". I know I feel that way sometimes...There probably isnt, but if there IS anything I can do, please let me know. I agree that Blogging is perfect for getting your thoughts and stuff out there! On ya! Big Hugs Mel.

Peta.. said...

i have to agree with 'Bon'..
i get teary too when i read your blog.. Rani touched so many lives, of lots of people that she or you didn't even know..
We are truly blessed to of known her, even if only through your wonderful blog.

I know there is nothing i can say that will take away your pain and i worry that what little i do say makes it even harder for you.

I hope that letter you wrote out you sent it??!!
Take care of you and enjoy your next couple of weekends, esp. your weekend away...
take care..xx

lisa :) said...

Me too, everytime I real your blog & even though I don't comment on every post, I log in to see how you are every couple of days.

My heart breaks that there is nothing I can do to help you feel any better but I agree with the fact that this blog is a great place to just type exactly what you're feeling.

As for the depression, you know where I stand on that one, PLEASE do not do what I did, get help while you can & don't be too "proud" to ask for help... it got me no where!

Love you, missing our chats *sigh*
Love Lis xx