3 years ago today our worst nightmare started.
Well the poor roller coaster of a life that Rani was leading for the year was hell on all of us, I am absolutely positive it was complete hell for our beautiful baby girl. I am still amazed that we still got smiles out of her everyday no matter how much pain she was in. She was such a fighter.
So yesterday 3 years ago we were excited to be celebrating Rani's 1st birthday - I still have such fond memories of the party we had in her Hospital room, the effort some of the night nurses went into decorating her room, the fact that some of the nurses came in on their day off - it was such a beutiful day - but we knew she was getting worse - she spiked many temps, was miserable and didn't want to make eye contact. We were told she needed a liver really soon but I don't even think her Specialist saw coming what happened the following day.
Her birthday was a Friday and Saturday was the begining of our nightmare. We have come to realise that Saturday was the day her body gave up, when I saw her stop breathing she had given up the fight. My little fighter could not fight anymore. We had one more week with our beautiful angel while machines fought to keep her alive, but sadly even they couldn't keep her going and Friday 1st September 2006 we had to say goodbye.
Now everyday I think of my beautiful buddha baby, all I have to do is look over to the unit opposite the lounge and see her smiling face...but this week is the most difficult time of the year.
Yesterday our little girl turned 4 - what I would have given to be making cup cakes for her birthday - like I did for her 1st birthday - instead of putting flower at her plaque - what I would give to have her here with us now.
We still have a million what if questions and even knowing that they can never be answered still doesn't stop your mind going over everything over and over again, wondering what we could have done differently to get that precious liver that we so desperately needed.
The nightmares start at this time of the year also - I close my eyes and that last week replays over and over in my head...seeing my baby so miserable, bleeding and then stop breathing is something that is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. It is one of the reason why I couldn't be in the room when we made the heart breaking decision to turn the machines off. I had seen my baby die once and I couldn't do it again. She was obviously ready to go as the machines were turned off after I said my good byes and left and within seconds she was gone.
The pain I felt that day is the same today almost 3 years later - a never ending pain that I will carry until one day I meet her again.